Posted in Health, Parenthood

3 Years…

It has been 3 years since I had my miscarriage.

Id like to say that it doesn’t weigh on me at times or that I don’t think about it. However, I do. More than I’d like to admit. I am so very thankful for my children. I am thankful for Damien and having him by surprise and thankful for Ronin for helping me move on some from the miscarriage.

For women who go through this situation multiple times, my heart goes out to you. You are so very strong and brave for living day to day with this type of loss.

So many of you don’t get to be upset especially if its early on or you have a baby following a miscarriage… well, they are wrong.

I have a hard time reading stories or watching movies if a miscarriage is involved. Its a life event that I buried, and didn’t talk about to really anyone. No one really knew we were pregnant and in reality we had only know for a bit over a week ourselves.

This isnt a pity post, or a cry or pray for me post. Its just to let you know you are not alone. You are allowed to grieve this event and child however you wish to.

You lost a baby, and that is something that isn’t easily moved on from.

I expected to have that baby, but the universe had other plans.

Posted in Health, Parenthood

Food Issues With A 3 Year Old

I’d like to explain my kiddos food allergies and issues. Its not simple and yet its not difficult to understand.

Damien is 3 1/2 years old. Short life so far, yet we have been through so much with him when it comes to his food issues.

Here’s a list of his sensitivities and allergies:

  • Milk/ Dairy intolerant
  • Meat… especially hamburger intolerant
  • Gluten sensitive, but not intolerant
  • processed sugar sensitive
  • dye coloring sensitive

All these can be triggers to his Cyclic Vomiting Condition. Meaning, if he eats these items or too much of these, they can trigger 2 to 8 days of vomiting for Damien. He doesn’t actually get sick, just pukes. No fever, he still plays some, but he doesn’t eat or drink much. The vomit itself if odd as well. It’s not really normal puke, its like a mucus, frothy white slime that comes up.

How do I get around all this with him being so young? Well, Damien actually understands that certain things can make him sick. He knows cheese and milk will hurt his belly. I have made it a point to get him learn his allergies for safety reasons. So far, It has worked out great for us and our family.

Damien can’t drink almond milk as it has same of the same properties as meats, it makes him vomit. So, coconut milk it is! Which he only gets with cereal or in baked goods, and small doses like that. He does get to eat sugary fruit snacks, but we get lots of organic fruit bars. Kashi is a favorite brand, and we look for dairy free and gluten free when we can find it. Vans brand is great for this! He loves fruit, so berries are always a snack. Damien still gets to eat like any other kid but sometimes its at a limit or just a different brand or home made. Muffins are great for breakfast or a snack.Oatmeal with berries and chocolate chips make for a great breakfast and he gets a treat! Damien loves water so that’s mostly what he drinks. We do get fruit juices but only once in a while. None the less, he knows no different.

I will add to the resource page links for cyclic vomiting.

Posted in Relationships

Toxic Relationships Wake Up Call

Now, I’m not a professional. I am simply a 24 year old who has some experience with this subject so everything will be from my point of view.

Toxic relationships are not limited to boyfriends/girlfriends or spouses. They included family members too. That saying blood is thicker than water is wrong. Just because someone is blood does not mean you must love them, respect them or suffer their anger or negative energy.

If you read my post ” Four Years of Hell” then you may know that I have a whole group of family members I haven’t spoken with in six years. They horrible, negative, and frankly their mental stability is not something that is good for me.

You can not live your life to suit others. You are not here to make other people happy or to take care of them. No matter if the person is your boyfriend or mother.

You do not owe anyone a damn thing. If you had the type pf parents that loved to say “you should be thankful you live here” or “you should take care of me because I took care of you” – that is not love. They are your parents/ caregiver, that is their job. It is not the job of the child to grow up and owe the parents anything. That is toxic thinking. You don’t owe family members help, money, a place to stay- nothing.

Now, do I sound insensitive? Do I sound hateful? Yes, probably. But here’s the thing;

If someone makes you feel bad about who you are, cut them out. They are toxic to you. You do not deserve that. You deserve support and love.

Point is- CUT OUT TOXIC PEOPLE! No matter who they are. You owe NOTHING to no body! You deserve to live this one life in happiness, surrounded by those who love and support you. Not by those who try to change you, or degrade you.

Posted in Health

PCOS Update

Hi all! I know I have briefly spoke about my diagnosis of PCOS. It has been a little over a month on my new care plan and I wanted to share it with you, and maybe it can help someone else!

First of all, it took nearly six years to get the doctors to say this is what I have rather than just try to push birth control on me. I know many women have struggled for so many more years than myself, so I feel very thankful I finally got a doctor who listened to me and my concerns.

The first thing that changed was I have been taking Metformin. Which is actually medication typically taken by diabetics. However, it aids the body in processing carbs. Something I didnt know, is that with PCOS you may crave carbs more, but you body doesnt process them properly which can lead to weight gain. And if any of you suffer with this , you know how hard it is to lose weight when you have PCOS, no matter how healthy you eat or how much you exercise.

So, I take metformin daily and it has helped me in losing some weight in the past month. It is a touchy med, so if you eat a lot of carbs like have a pizza night prepare for a night spent in the bathroom. So feeding off that, I am working on eating less carbs.

Water is your best friend. Having this lovely hormonal issue, raises your internal temp. Meaning, you probably sweat or are very hot ALL THE TIME! Yes, this is happening to me. So stay hydrated. For every sugary drink you drink, consume double that in water. Plus, cutting out the sugary drinks can help with weight and the cysts and pain during your “monthly” cycles.

Now, the best part- the menstrual pain. Yes, it hurts. Id much rather give birth again then deal with the cramps at times. Basically what happens- for me at least- cysts form prior to my period each month. Then rupture during my cycle. The first few days are horrible. And sometimes it eases up and sometimes not. Luckily, my cycle has shortened since being on meds and adjusting my diet some.

As far as I know, there isn’t a cure other than having a full hysterectomy. But for some ladies there are some ways to help ease some of the issues. This is all I’ve figured out for now. But I hope to find out more and share. PCOS and other female hormone problems are not talked about enough. So many women suffer and assume that its normal and its not.

Posted in Health, Parenthood

Untold Motherhood & Postpartum

Do you think society lies about mom life? I sure do…. now I promise I’m not crazy so please stick with me.

Was your pregnancy planned or unplanned? Because to be completely honest that changes a lot with this post. For someone who plans on having a baby you most likely did some research. Ya know, baby books, google searches… but for those of us who got the surprise positives … well for me at least- I DIDN’T KNOW ANY THING!

Okay, in all seriousness I wasn’t planning on having my son when I did so I had never picked up a baby book. Never heard of HG, round ligament pain let alone look into birth or breast feeding….

So, for any of you expecting moms out there or veteran moms who may want a laugh this may be a post for you- I;m going to share the things I’d never heard of, didn’t expect… or just was blown away by.

To start off- I knew my body was going to change. I knew I was going to gain weight, and my belly grow… HOWEVER no one not ever my doctor warned me about round ligament pain. Like holy shit. With my first son it started at like 12 weeks. The pain was bearable but annoying. I didn’t know what it was. After talking with other moms, since I had to wait til my next OB appointment, I found out what it was. And thanks to google at 13 weeks started wearing a belly band to help.

Next we have the boobs- now again I knew and expected my chest to grow.. what I did not expect was leakage before I had the baby. I also wasn’t aware that they would be so damn sore. I must have had a crappy doctor. I learned this thankfully was normal from books.

Cravings: They are REAL LOL. I really thought it was a lie so pregnant women could eat whatever. Nope, I was like 4 months pregnant eating ice cream and pickles…TOGETHER. I had no idea that was a real thing until I experienced it.

Morning sickness is not just in the morning for a few weeks. Like seriously… I was sick at night with my first for like 6 months. Morning Sickness is such a lie. It should really just be called pregnancy sickness. Like did you know that that shit could be so horrible?!

What else should be on this list? What did you not know??

Posted in Relationships

My dad.

Yesterday was fathers day.This day, since his death has never held much meaning to me. Ive not been sad or mad, just not affected.However, yesterday that changed.Yesterday I cried so much I got a headache. At first I was mad for feeling this way. But now I can see that after almost 11 years, Im finally feeling.I am feeling the loss of my father, my role model, my dad. After he died, I never really grieved. I went back to school, and carried on with life. Not so much by choice, more by force. So I’ve decided to share somethings about my father.Like how strong of a person her was. He didn’t have the best parents himself, nor the best upbringing. He was married young and had kids young. He didn’t get to finish his teen years, yet he took responsibility and became an amazing dad. I was raised by him, my mother was never in the picture.He used to take me fishing. We would packs snack, drinks and spend the day either at the park or at this pond he loved so much.We would ride bikes to the Englewood park to play tennis on days he didn’t work. We had days filled with so much fun, that I never knew we didn’t have much money.My childhood, may have bit a bit odd but I was loved. My father was my best friend. He used to paint my nails and braid my hair. Goodness, I remember he would put my hair in a ponytail for school… it would be so tight and perfect it was a facelift for me.I remember the Christmas he literally got every single thing I asked for. I remember the year I asked for Britany Spears perfume and I got it.I remember days he would get his beer and snack, sit in his recliner and “watch” a race or football game… but really he would just fall asleep. I remember him teaching me to bait a hook, and to remove the fish scales in the kitchen sink.I remember him always calling me bug.I remember him and I taking walks in the summer and talking about what life would be like when I grew up. Boy, we were wrong. Although, I did leave Ohio and travel some.My dad taught me something that has stuck with me- in life you have to make you happy.It may not always be easy, but being selfish is a good thing. You have to be happy in order to be the best you.For anyone who may have known me in school, you probably never really knew anything had even happened. For those of you who supported and loved me thank you.For those of you who bully, well you suck. You never know what is going on in someone elses life.You see, Im not writing this for anyone but myself. Ive learned that sometimes sharing is the best therapy….

Posted in Relationships

Hobbies with in a Marriage

Does your significant other have a hobby or hobbies that drastically differ from yours? Or maybe their hobbies are on the more expensive side…

I can assure you, it is normal.. at least, I think it is. Well, I should clarify, I’m not speaking about gambling or dangerous activities as such more along the lines or material objects.

In my marriage I enjoy the artistic hobbies like sewing, baking, DIY projects and now blogging. While my husband enjoys electronics, gadgets and mostly video games and everything there is to do with them. To help show you his love of video games he was accepted into The Art Institute of San Francisco for video game development.

Now, I am in no way shape or form bashing video games in this post, its actually some of the greatest memories when first started dating in Japan. However, as you can see….. our hobbies don’t over lap and are on completely different ends of the spectrum. This is not to say this hinders our day to day marriage but it has been the root of some… or rather many arguments.

When you are a new couple, and even when you have kiddos, you have to adjust to a new routine and life style. Sometimes this may mean giving up or re configuring hobby time. For my husband and I this was a struggle. Video games took up our tv, took up family time… but so did my hobbies. I would get a bit engrossed in my projects and let other things go way side.

So, I’ve sat down with my husband and come up with some solutions to try to help you solve issues regarding hobby tiffs and tats.

First off, COMMUNICATION! It’s key in any relationship. Especially if a hobby is bothering you and you feel like its taking time away from other important issues and time. So, sit down and talk.

Try discussing setting aside time for each of you to have “you time” . That way its planned out and wont interfere with family time, or other important activities.

Try sharing your hobby with your partner! Even if its not really for them, make it fun! Get some pizza and a drink and have a good time!

I’d love to say our disagreements were fixed with one simple conversation… but I’d be lying to you. With any problem within a marriage it takes time to resolve and figure out what works for you and your significant other. I’d be happy to hear any other suggestions you may have or used to help you!

My Husbands PC set up. Not pictured is all the consoles and games he has.
Posted in Health

Self Love Help

Have you ever struggled with self image? Have you ever struggled to love the person you see in the mirror?

I can say yes to both. For years, before I had my babies, I struggled with loving who I was. I’ve hated everything from my hair texture to my nose to my not perfect teeth. In high school I hated that I was tall, and had thick thighs. Now, since having my kids and gaining weight and going through my adult years, I’ve had issues with the number on the scale, my boobs, my belly, my everything. So, here are some questions I want you to ask yourself every time you have a negative self thought.

One: Some thing I am good at is _______

Two: Some one loves me. my kids, my Significant other, my family, my friends ect…

Three: I am proud of myself for/ because _______

Four: I am amazing. I am alive today. I am breathing. I matter and I am important.

Five: Something about myself that I love is _______

Start with these simple affirmations. Find some that work just for you. Tweak them, change them, make them yours. Write them down on sticky notes and put them on every mirror, cabinet door, coffee maker you have. Life is too short to not love yourself. Life is much to valuable to let this world or hurtful events or people to talk your pride and self love away from you. No matter what is going on in your mind right now, stop and do some self appreciation. You will thank yourself later.

I’m not perfect at this. There are days and moments where I wish I could change all kinds of stuff about myself. But i strive and work toward self love every day. I started a journal a few months back and I do little check ins with myself. I highly suggest trying it out. Its not being selfish. Its not being stuck up. Self love is self care. Self love is vital for healthy mental health.

Please feel free to share any affirmations you may find helpful!

Peace and calm
Posted in Health

My Miscarriage

To start off, while I was pregnant with Damien Kays was deployed and gone until Damien was 5months old. Then he came home for good! We didn’t plan on more kids. We really were just trying to figure out being together and being parents together in the same house.

July 2016, we found out we were expecting! It was a huge shock….. I was still on birth control. We hadn’t talked about more kids, nor did I really think it would happen for me. Anyway, I got the confirmation from the hospital and notified my chain of command. Kays and I told our parents and that was it, because it was still early on. We scheduled the ultrasound, but never got there. So we don’t know for sure anything other than what we can guess.

SO- here it is

July 22, 2016 : That day was a field day at work. Meaning it was workout gear and cleaning around base. So I got up, put on my comfy leggings and tshirt. Drove to base, got ready for the day. They told us what we would be doing, and I decided to go pee before we got started. You never really think about how fast a normal typical day can turn into one of the worst days of your life.

I go pee, and you know, you have to wipe…. so I wipe and I see a bit of bright red blood. So I wiped again, and this there was more blood. Bright red fresh blood.

I go and tell my boss I need to go to the ER.

Of course, My husband is at home with our son sleeping. So I texted him, but he didn’t get it for a while.

I get to the ER, let them know what was going on. They take blood and a urine sample. They take me back, I undress… They let me know they are waiting on the pregnancy test results. At this point I’m alone in the room, freaking out, but at the same time trying to stay calm that everything is okay.

The doctors come in and ask if they can do an ultrasound, and they did. Then they ask if they can do the trans vaginal ultrasound. They did.

They said they would be back in a moment…..

……..

They came back, they came back and told me the pregnancy test was negative. They came back and told me there was no heart beat on the ultrasound. They came back and told me I was having a miscarriage. The doctor came back and told me I was losing my baby. My husband got there shortly after dropping our son off with a friend. I told him the news. That day, that moment, I felt my heart break. I felt the pain so many others have suffered through.

I was bleeding, I was in pain. I was passing was should have been my baby…. one of the hardest moments of my life.

After a few hours they finally released. They gave my a pain pill… told me some info…. let me go home. My husband and I picked up our son, and went home. Based off everything We assume I was around 2 months pregnant. Between the crying, the cramping, the blood… I’m not sure what was worse. Seriously, Anyone who has every suffered a miscarriage, they are a goddess.

So here’s the nitty gritty…

I bled for about a week. Cramped for about five of those days. I passed all this tissue needed. I went for a check up with the OBGYN at the end of the week. She checked my uterus to sure everything had passed and to ensure my uterus was still healthy. I spoke with her about wanting to try for another baby and she gave me the go ahead. She stated that newer research has shown that the 3 months after a miscarriage can be the most fertile time for some women, and give them the best chance for another pregnancy.

Mentally, I did my best to be okay. Its been almost 2 years now, and I got my Rainbow baby. That honestly didn’t take away all the pain from the loss. Id love to tell you that it will be okay and that in the end the pain goes away but I cant say that. What I can say is seek help.

Don’t listen when people say that if you get another baby you cant be sad. YES you can. You lost a child, You lost your baby. Having another baby doesn’t make up for a loss. You can grieve have ever you need to. I needed my baby, so I got pregnant again. I still went through PPD and delt with a lot. I have my rainbow baby but I still think about the baby I lost and who it would have been, and that’s okay.

Please feel free to email me as always.

I am 1 in 4.

Posted in Health, Parenthood

My Tubal at 23

You may or may not know that I had my last child in 2017, at the age of 23. That birth was my second cesarean and a horrible pregnancy. I chose to have a bilateral tubal ligation while they already had my cut open. My choice, and my husband agreed it would be for the best.

Now, did I just not want more kids? Did I not want to do pregnancy or birth again, why at 23 would I have my tubes tied? Well, I will tell you….

I WAS SOOOO FREAKING DONE AND OVER PREGNANCY.

Neither of my pregnancies were pretty. I still don’t get why people say pregnancy and birth are beautiful, no they are bloody and scary… and painful.

And yes, my c-sections were great, and I had fairly great recoveries… I don’t ever want to go through any of that again. Both my pregnancies were filled with feelings of being terrified.

You see Both my sons are actually rainbow babies. With Damien, I went to the ER at 16 weeks because of heavy bleeding, they told me I was having a miscarriage. 16 weeks, I already knew he was a boy, and his name… and had felt flutters and I was told I was about to lose him. Luckily, I didn’t. I did how ever experience this 3 more times during my pregnancy. Not to mention, high blood pressure and probably the worst pain you can imagine in my back. Which turned into Sciatic Nerve Damage later on. I was induced a week early because my blood pressure was 209/92…. y’all I’m not kidding when I say it was a some what traumatic pregnancy. I had no help from family and my husband was deployed. I did it alone.

My second pregnancy wasn’t any better, I had slightly elevated blood pressure and Gestational diabetes. More pain than I thought was possible. Not just my back but every where. I was exhausted, sick the whole pregnancy.. I was constantly worried if I didn’t feel baby movements. Like it was a massive toll on my physically and emotionally.

So at 23, I knew I was done. We had our two boys and I was and am content. People always say I should have tried for a girl.. No, I shouldn’t have. I don’t want a girl. I don’t want to try for a VBAC.

Sometimes at a young age, we just know we are done, and that is beyond okay! Stop judging peoples life choices.