What do you do when a loved one dies and you are not ready to let go?
Well, I thought I had this figured out. I thought Id be spreading my dads ashes somewhere and letting go of him.
Today I had my weekly therapy session. Today I took my dads ashes with me. Today, I took a step in my emotional healing. Today I did something I never thought Id be able to do. Today, I let go of the idea that I had to follow a plan. My therapist said its okay for me to carry these ashes around with me. Its okay to not be ready to let go even ten years later.
Its okay to mourn and process this loss finally. Which is exactly what I am doing. Ive written a lot about my dad lately, but hes been on my mind and with his birthday just passing its reminded me of everything he has missed out on. But instead of the negative Im trying to remember the good and happy. So today, Im going to share something happy with you.
Fishing. A pass time for some. A sport for others. For my dad is was his way of relaxing and exploring. He often fished the tiny pond at the local park while I played. But some times we went to the Martindale Pond. We would pack a small cooler of snacks and drinks. Our fishing gear and spend the day just us two on the banks of that pond. It wasnt fancy, it didnt cost money. It was free and full of memory making adventures. I learned how to make a fire there and how to put up a tent. I learned how to dig for worms, bait my own hook and catch fish. I also learned to never give up. Looking back, those days fishing with my dad taught me patience along with some family secrets that Ill share another time. For many their memories are expensive vacations or pricey gifts but the best times I had with my dad were simply days filled with just us being together.
To be honest, Id give anything to go back even for just one day to hug him again and hear his voice.
Bottling up emotions may be easier than working through them because this hurts. This pain hurts a whole lot, but sits worth the pain. I cant wait to tell my boys who Grandpa was.
One amazing dad.