4 Years of Hell

Tuesday November 11 2008

I walk into my fathers room to wale him for dinner, only to find he wont wake.

The rest of the night is a blur.

I remember calling 911, and my family members.

I remember noone answering. I remember everyone showing up almost at once.

I dont really remember the funeral on friday but I remember returning to school the next monday.

I remember everyone being almost silent to me, of course I had just turned 14, and was in the middle of eighth grade….

Now, why is this post titled 4 Years of Hell?

The 4 years, basically my whole high school days were exactly that, hell.

My fathers older sister Rhonda kept me and got guardianship after my fathers death.

The first year i lived with her, was normal. She helped me get my grades back on track…. thats about it.

I entered high school and was determined to be a good student, and I was. Freshman year was eh, I wasnt focused on anything except school. Im okay with that because i finished with a 4.0 GPA.

But then life changed. Going into sophmore year (10th Grade) Rhonda began treating me differently. Almost as if i was a burden.

I wasnt allowed to do anything. Her husband Jim, began restricting me even more. I wasnt allowed to wear shorts, paint my finger nails nor wear sandals to school. Little did I know it would progressively get worse. I continue to hold a 4.o GPA for the school year, but then summer hit.

Jesus was it hell. Everything I said and did was wrong. My bathing suit wasnt approved by Jim. Everything I wore was slutty according to him.

Literally, i wore knee lengrh shorts or pants and tshirts everyday… but my pants were to tight, or my shirts were..

Oh and not to mention…..

They had a lake house at Lake Cumberland, in Kentucky.. theres this old dude who was way to touchy with a few of us girls…

Jim decided to blow that up. But to avail, that was my fault.

You see the guy, mike, he was a friend of theirs. Had been for years. I had known him since i was 7. Looking back, hell yea he was too touchy. But I was blamed for it. I was blamed for an adult male acting inappropriate with me, I was a teenager…… needless to say days at the lake were horrible from then on.

So, yeah…. anyway

The last two years of my school went like this…

Like I didnt get an A, I was punished. I basically was grounded my whole last two years of school.

One time I forgot about an early release, when I got home rhonda asked me why i didnt tell her. I told her I simply forgot about it.

My punishment? I got to do my homework for 1 hour, Not enough time by the way , then i got to sit on my bedroom floor , and when it got dark, i sat in the dark. Was told when to eat and shower and go to bed at 9pm. I was 17 years old.

At this point. You might be thinking Im lying.. I wish i was. The whole time this was all going on, I never told anyone. Hell. I doubt anyone knew.

I had to lie to my friends about why i couldnt hang out, or why this or that….

I never went to a school function or dance. I never got to party with friends like normal high schoolers.

Nothing was right, everything was wrong.

To this day, I dont think a single person I went to school knows what i went through.

I was constantly told i was a disappointment to my dad. I was told i was a liar, and cheater. I was fat and lazy…. mind you, rhonda and jim are both fat and unhealthy and dont take care of themseves.

For 4.5 years I went through so much mental and emotional abuse. I was made fun of for everything. I didn’t fit in because i wasnt allowed access to normal teenage shit.

Looking back, now as an adult and as a parent myself…. I will never understand how people can treat other so horribly and continue like nothing happened.

Rhonda watched her granddaughter Raina 3 to 5 days a week… now raina was only 4 my senior year of school…

But she used to ask me why i was ugly, fat or stupid all the time… why? Because Rhonda would talk about me to infront of her.

Rhonda would tell people while i was standing their how shitty i was. How i couldnt be trusted…

The day I graduated, was an inconvenience. Christina (rhondas daughter) was having a memorial day bbq, literally following my graduation. Not about me, and my graduation with honors , but memorial day…

I never got to greive for my father. I was thrown into a world wind of hell and hatefulness. And i can say that im so much steonger for what ive been through, but damn i wish it all never happened.

The day I left for navy boot camp was the best day of my life. I finally got to leave , I got to experience love and a family through my friendships i built.

Almost 11 years later. And this is all i can muster to say. God, there is so much more but this is all i have. Im not sure if ill ever be able to share the details. Im not sure ill ever not remember… but for now, im good with this…

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